Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
