I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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