I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
