I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
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I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
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Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
i think i just lost a toe
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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