Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
