No awkward lesbian experiences without me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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