Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
