They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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