Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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