My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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