she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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