cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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