Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
