Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
