Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
