Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
