I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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