You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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