Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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