i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
