My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
