First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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