Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
