I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
