You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
