We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
