Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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