Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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