my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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