Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
