i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
