I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
