i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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