haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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