Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
