good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
