so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
