I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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