Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Randomize