I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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