I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
