This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
