I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
