i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
