i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
