atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
