If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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