it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
