Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
