hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
