hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
They took my balls.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
