I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
