nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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