I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
