We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
