How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
