I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
