my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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