i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
